Paris Jackson continued to give fans a raw look into her personal life on the second episode of her Facebook Watch series, “Unfiltered: Paris Jackson and Gabriel Glenn.”
Titled “Trauma Partners?”, the episode dove into the 22-year-old musician’s history with body image and depression as she prepared for her runway debut at Jean Paul Gaultier’s show in Paris earlier this year.
Saying she’s “not even close to loving” herself, Jackson said she’s been self-conscious and insecure about her appearance for years — even when she was just a child before her father Michael Jackson’s death.
“I was the only girl of 4 boys,” she said. “Because I was the only girl, my dad loved playing dress up. I looked like a porcelain doll and I hated it.”
She went on to acknowledge she doesn’t look like the rest of the Jackson family with her blonde hair and light-colored eyes — calling herself, “Very Aryan” and looking like she “came out of ass crack of Finland.”
Her family, however, “never made me feel alienated because of that, which is good, even though I’ve always felt like the black sheep.” She added that, as she got older, they all “put in more of an effort to never feel excluded.”
When her father died, Paris was only 11 — and his death meant she had to go from living a relatively healthy lifestyle with her dad, to a “no rules” household with grandmother Katherine Jackson. As the house was filled with “soda and cake all the time,” Paris said she “gained a lot of weight and food became an addiction”
“A cousin called me fat and I was like, okay, so I can’t do that anymore, and that’s how I fell into self-harm,” she revealed. “I would cut and burn myself. I never thought I would die from it because I was the one that was in control of the razor. I knew how deep I was going.”
Saying part of the allure was the dopamine release that came with harming herself, Jackson also said it was a “distraction from emotional pain” and a way to turn it “into a physical pain and the need for control.” Paris then admitted that, “Yes, I tried to kill myself many times.”
Following one suicide attempt, she had to enter a therapeutic boarding school in Utah — where she spent her sophomore year and half of her junior year of high school.
“I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t have a choice,” she said of attending the school. “I was underage, CPS said they would take me if I wasn’t sent there. I learned a lot about myself. The problems I went there with got fixed, but I left with way more than I came in with.”
In the years since, Jackson said she has been on both anti-depressants and mood stabilizers — but added, “personally, I’m not a fan of medications.” She added that, in her experience, they “just kind of clouded my third eye and I couldn’t laugh as deeply … you can’t numb the bad without numbing the good.”
She explained that her depression “comes in waves,” and even though “the lows are unbearably low, I would still rather that than nothing.” Added Paris, “Pain is way better than just numb, because at least you’re feeling something.”
Speaking more about body image and self-acceptance, Jackson said she wants to be part of the movement to “broaden the beauty template” when it comes to inclusivity in the fashion world. She also admitted to fitting into the “stereotypical, standard template” herself, even if she struggles with her appearance.
“When I first got into the fashion world, I didn’t understand that I couldn’t be myself all the time and I still struggle to accept myself,” she explained. “I want to influence self acceptance and courage and being comfortable in your own skin. I’m just working on content, just trying to be content. Baby steps. Self love is hard.”
Through the episode, Gabriel also opened up about his own past — saying he has self-harm scars as well and has also attempted suicide. Like Paris, he admitted there are parts of him he loves, and others he’s insecure about — and has also struggled with anxiety.
