Monday was both Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and the second inauguration of President Donald J. Trump, which is a lot for one day to handle. Maybe that’s why it took five late-night hosts to tear it all apart.
From Stephen Colbert to Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers, Jon Stewart and even Jimmy Fallon, all the late-night TV hosts tore into Trump’s wild first day back in office Monday night — and they were ruthless.
From calling the president a “wannabe fascist dictator” to calling out Elon Musk’s straight-arm salute, Melania’s hat acting as her “very own border wall,” and digging into Biden’s sweeping pardons, Michelle Obama’s absence, and even Senator Fetterman’s shorts, they left no inaugural moment unscathed.
“Donald J. Trump, the 45th president of the United States, a man whose licentious and felonious behavior has been well cataloged and documented, returned to the Capitol Rotunda just four short years after inspiring, in that very place, a day of riotous shit-f–kery,” said Stewart, and we were off!
Jon Stewart spent nearly 20 minutes tearing into every fact of former President Joe Biden’s last day in office and President Trump’s first day back.
And The Daily Show host did not hold back at what he was seeing, which included tech oligarchs — or “the six guys who control maybe 20% of the world’s wealth and 100% of your nudes” — given prime seating, and Democrats lining up to smile and shake hands as part of the traditional transfer of power.
In fact, only one notable and major individual was absent, and that was former First Lady Michelle Obama. “Only Michelle Obama seemed to have the consistent ethical stance of saying, ‘When they go low, I stay the f–k home. I don’t care. I am staying home,'” said Stewart of her unexplained absence.
He took note of “all those people who warned Americans to shun this wannabe fascist dictator called Trump” in attendance at the event, marveling it was like they were saying, “Look at me, Ma! Oh, let’s go see Hitler and get a quick selfie first. Quick one for the ‘gram.”
Looking at the lineup of tech billionaires, Stewart marveled, “Populism, ladies and gentlemen. Shouldn’t this be happening in a volcano lair near Zurich? Or are we just open-source Illuminati now? Where’s the conspiracy fun in that?”
He also joined everyone on late-night and online in poking fun at both Melania Trump’s wide-brimmed hat, which effectively blocked a Donald Trump kiss attempt, saying it helped her control her borders.
Then, Stewart played video of Elon Musk’s straight-arm salute, which many online immediately compared to the iconic “Sieg Heil!” salute of Nazi Germany.
But Stewart tried to give Musk the benefit of the doubt here, arguing, “charitably I’m going to say that was just an awkward ‘my heart goes out to you’ gesture,” adding, “Listen, it’s a f–king nerve-wracking day, you’re not normally a public speaker, it’s a one-off gesture.”
But it wasn’t, as Musk then turned around and repeated the gesture, leading Stewart to joke, “I’m just gonna be generous and say, maybe that was Elon’s attempt at dabbing on the haters. By the way, do people still dab on haters?”
After exploring the day from every angle, Stewart concluded, “The takeaway of this day was the man who tried to overthrow the government has been peacefully handed the reins of power, and the outgoing president has started a new tradition of blanket pardoning everyone in his orbit. The two men creating a magnificent snake-sucking-its-own-dick cycle of no accountability.”
Fallon, who usually doesn’t wade too deep into politics, nevertheless made his stance clear by stating, “America is rolling the dice with a second Trump presidency. It’s like we somehow survived the first Squid Game and then signed back up for a second.”
The Tonight Show host came out adorned in a hat similar to Melania’s instantly classic look, quipping, “After this, we’re gonna play who wore it better, me, Melania, or the Hamburglar,” referring to McDonald’s classic mascot.
Showing a shot of the First Lady’s arrival, Fallon added, “People weren’t sure if she was there for the inauguration or to kill Indiana Jones. All day long, Trump kept cutting into the hat, hoping it was cake.”
Fallon also took note of Trump once again using two Bibles, one having belonged to Abraham Lincoln and the other his personal Bible, for the swearing in.
While he didn’t mention the fact Trump didn’t put his hand on either of them, Fallon did joke that “you could tell which was which because one was 200 years old, the other was a menu from The Cheesecake Factory.”
While Fallon didn’t acknowledge Trump not putting his hand on any Bible for his searing in, the other late-night hosts did, with most of them making some variation of the same joke about either Trump or the Bible bursting into flames if he had.
Seth Meyers, though, had another takeaway from Trump’s hand not being on the Bible for the ceremony, noting, “Wow, not the guy I expected to bring back the separation of church and state.”
Later, Meyers played a clip of Trump saying that his administration would “not forget our God,” and then again noted him not putting his hand on the Bible. “Yo, you forget something, bro?” he asked.
All of this was after the Late Night host took a moment to even come to terms with the significance of the day after the first time he uttered the words “President Trump.”
After shaking his head a bit in shock, Meyers explained, “Whoo, sorry, it’s just hitting me; I haven’t said that in four years. What a flashback. It feels like asking someone if they went with Pfizer or Moderna,” referencing the COVID-19 pandemic.
He also took note of the late decision by the incoming president’s team to move the inauguration inside the Capitol building, joking of January 6 protesters: “‘Oh, we know how to get there,’ said his supporters. ‘Inside? We’re on our way!'”
Meyers continued his inauguration discussion into his popular “A Closer Look” segment where he emphasized to Trump fans and supporters that they really should look at the optics of him moving the event indoors and inviting all those tech leaders.
“It’s so ironic. When Trump was leaving office, they walked right into the Capitol. But now that he’s back, they’re s–t out of luck,” Meyers said, before emphasizing, “MAGA supporters were left out in the cold while Trump gave VIP seats to the wealthy tech oligarchs.”
When Trump talked about bringing back freedom of speech and doing away with government censorship, though, Meyers did relax. Like many of his late-night cohorts, he’s joked extensively about his worries for himself should Trump return to power, considering all the jokes he’s made at the president’s expense.
“I’ll admit I was worried about this show for a hot second, but now, knowing that you’re a man of your word, full steam ahead,” he said.
Jimmy Kimmel brought up his own concerns about himself while talking about outgoing President Biden’s blanket and preemptive pardons for people like Dr. Fauci, Gen. Milley, the Jan. 6 Committee, and even members of his own family.
“Biden did not preemptively pardon any talk show hosts this morning, which many found disappointing,” the Jimmy Kimmel Live! host noted. He also warned his audience, “If you clap too loud, you’re all going to prison, too.”
Kimmel also talked about the pardons for most of the Jan. 6 insurrectionists who stormed the Capitol that Trump gave out just hours later.
“He did this in front of a big cheering crowd, the same crowd he criticized Joe Biden for pardoning his family in front of,” he said. “Here’s the difference. Biden pardoned a bunch of people who didn’t commit crimes. Trump pardoned a bunch who did.”
Kimmel also made the expected jokes about Melania’s hat, comparing her to children’s cartoon character Carmen Sandiego and “a goth Al Capone,” as well as Sen. Fetterman’s attire.
“The award for best-dressed went to Senator John Fetterman. He looked like his mom interrupted his Fortnite game and forced him to come downstairs,” Kimmel laughed. “You know, John, even Adam Sandler wears a suit to the Golden Globes.”
Overall, his takeaway was, as he explained it, “It was, uh, I was going to say historic but it was really just a very weird day in our country’s history today.”
Kimmel called Trump’s inaugural address “more ominous than I anticipated,” before cutting to a scene from Star Wars where Senator Palpatine revealed that he was dissolving the Republic and forming the Galactic Empire. “That’s right, Emperor Palpa-teeny hands is back,” Kimmel quipped.
“A lot of people are wondering why all these rich guys were invited to sit in the the Capitol for the inauguration,” Kimmel said of the tech leaders. “There’s a perfectly good explanation for it: Trump is selling the country to the highest bidder.”
And he took advantage of the Village People performing as part of Trump’s overall weekend celebrations to marvel, “What a time to be alive, the Village People and the village idiot, together at last!”
Stephen Colbert had so much to say about it, he took two segments of his show, with the first largely talking about Trump’s decision to move the inauguration indoors for the first time since 1985 due to cold weather.
“Mr. President, it is with the utmost respect that I say, ‘Oh, was the big, strong, greatest president ever feeling a little chilly? You want some hot cocoa with marshy-mallows?’,” Colbert said, adding, “You weather cuck.”
He then made sure to get in a joke that he knew would stick in the president’s craw by noting, “The [Capitol] Rotunda can only hold about 700 people, which means Trump’s inauguration crowd can now officially be called the smallest of all time.”
“Trump swears his crowds are normally big, but you can’t tell because it’s normally so cold,” he explained.
The Late Show host also poked fun at Melania’s hat, but didn’t stop at the obvious Carmen Sandiego joke. “That’s the first reaction, obviously, but it’s not entirely fair,” he said. “She also looks like the guy from [Mad Magazine’s] Spy vs. Spy.”
As for Trump not putting his hand on the Bible for his swearing in, Colbert said that was to be expected. “When they moved it inside the fire marshal wouldn’t allow it.”
He then took note of the fact that while Trump was sworn in, Melania was left just standing there holding the small stack of Bibles. “If he doesn’t touch the Bible, is he really president?” Colbert asked. “I mean, who did touch the Bible? Melania! Is she president now? Could the hat be president? It clearly believes in a strong border.”
As he continued breaking down Trump’s first day and Biden’s last, Colbert gave the former president kudos for putting up “a friendly front.”
“I’m sure behind the scenes he’s distraught because he was just replaced by an autocrat,” Colbert said, saying he believes that was Biden’s concern because of all of those last-minute preemptive pardons, including to his own family.
“Just to be safe, I have legally changed my name to Sarah Jones Biden,” quipped the host.
